the word "mostly"

Pretty sure that is my finger in the top left corner. Awesome.

After one week of mostly paleo I've had some thoughts: the mostly part is there for a reason. Mainly because I made quite a few paleo meals but in between I had some cheese and some real milk. Oh and I had a kit kat earlier in the week after running around my day job putting post-its in cubicles (glamorous). It was a small victory.

A few thoughts? Honestly despite lack of sleep (even though I swear I've gotten plenty) I feel great. My body feels leaner even if I don't have much to show for it in terms of weight loss. I have to really understand that it's not completely about that, it's just about living better and treating my body with more respect than I have.

There was a day that I had pizza. Pizza sounded amazing. I smelled it and I ate only a small amount and was immediately satisfied. It lasted about twelve minutes. Then I felt oily and ralphy and all of the above. This is extremely enlightening and also extremely depressing. It's nice to know that by treating my body better I don't crave the bad things as much. I still have my moments but I remember how awful I felt after that pizza and it makes it a little easier to grab some hummus. On the other hand, I love pizza. It's probably my favorite food. I used to be able to eat it for every meal and I would dream about different varieties and it made my day. And here I was, on my couch, watching Friends and chastising myself because I gave into the pizza.

It sounds stupid. This girl complaining that yay my body rejects pizza. I am still a little sad about it and I'll probably try to eat some pizza again in the near future because it is my favorite food. And I'll probably regret it. And that will probably happen a few times. I guess that's the process of learning and the word "mostly".

I don't want to be a slave to food. I have struggled with food issues the majority of my life. I've thrown up, I've starved, I've overindulged and I've restricted and I've shoveled. It's not the best relationship but it's time to not be afraid of it anymore. I want to love food, I want to have a nice, balanced communication. If I want a piece of pie then fine, I do. It shouldn't be the end of the world if I really need some Doritos in my life. Moderation is key and I think, at least for me, that's the hardest part. I'm trying to find a medium.

I haven't had anything processed besides the kit kat and whatever is in Naked juice and I feel good. I miss pizza and mac n'cheese and In N'Out and that's okay I'll probably have some soon and regret it and it will probably happen a few times. That's okay, it shouldn't define me or my situation.

Food is awesome. I can't believe there were times in my life where I held out on it. I feel slightly embarrassed about it but I've learned from it and honestly feel like I can do this with the right support and determination and so that's where I am headed.

mostly paleo

I will not get preachy on you, I swear to gosh. Why? Because that is annoying.



So I got this book...Well Fed. It's paleo. Never heard of it? Yeah I really hadn't either. How do you say it? Pay-Lee-Oh? Pah-lay-oh? I think it's the former but honestly I don't know.

I stumbled upon this book from a blog I read and also from pinterest and boom, it was in the mail the next business day and now it's on my lap.

Paleo, also known as the caveman or dino diet, basically relies on meat and veggies. It omits legumes, starches, dairy, grains and booze. Yikes? Pasta? Cheese? Wine? MY LIFEBLOOD.

Ahem, hence the term mostly paleo. I really try not too think too hard about my diet which is probably why I could eat In N Out for every single meal and die at thirty. So instead of setting myself up to fail as I often do when I start any sort of diet I'm going to give myself wiggle room because that is what works for me. If I can live mostly paleo and once in a while enjoy a glass of wine or some parm sprinkled on my salad then hell, I am going to and I'm not going to cry about it. There are quite a few paleo folk that eat grass-fed dairy and you know what? That might be for me (I LOVE CHEESE). Grass-fed meat is already a staple in my home so why not expand it further? I think I am going to try it.

I will not push anything on anyone, if you want to eat potatoes in front of me I'll probably ask to sneak a bite. I am writing this as a beginning to this journey I'm attempting to start as some sort of accountability in the future. I do think this is something that I can get behind and not suck at, that's a big deal (I couldn't even do a 3 day fiber cleanse and my daily juice cleanses usually result in a sandwich midday). This allows me to eat (most) of my favorite things with a little twist or moderation and I can do that. And I won't lie, after skimming the book I am already day dreaming about some of the sauces. Oy.

I won't turn this blog into a food blog but occasionally I may share a recipe. I'm doing a lot of reading so I really don't know everything about becoming paleo so if anyone reading this can offer any insight or resources that would be groovy.

As for today I'm on day two of becoming mostly paleo and the only non-paleo things I have was some parm cheese and a beer. And they were both mighty good.

saturday morning...

...yeah photos didn't happen. Get ready for a whole lotta words.

So this morning due to an early, lets call it an "appointment", me and the doggys took off in the Corolla and found ourselves at Starbucks. Whenever I do bring them in the car, Aadi takes her place on the passenger seat on top of my yoga mat and Moz somehow manages to fit directly behind my seat on the floor. The nice barista man greeted me and Aadi and complimented her muscles. Aadi is not buff, however there are certain angles in which her broad shoulders resemble a body builder. When we drove away the barista man bid me farewell and then in his best Ahrnold Schwarzenegger accent said Goodbye muscluar doggy.

Besides that I spent the day watching a bunch of photoshop tutorials. I'm determined to finally learn it if it kills me. I found an online course (with a bunch of other tutorials as well) and so now I get to embark on that fun adventure.

I know I'll never be able to write for a living so it's time to finally learn a fun skill. That way I can design menus for my future tea shop.

I'm thinking about dinner right now. I should probably change into a dress or something. My weekend attire as of late has been a pair of jean shorts and a big tee shirt and sandals. Sometimes I do my hair (Saturday is usually washing day). It depends. I don't know why I have clothes because seriously I wear the same thing every weekend.

I'm still thinking about food.

OKay there weren't that many words. And there was one photo.

i am afraid of burritos

It's true. I now have this inane fear of burritos, or really, anything that isn't "good for me". Stupid diet. I try, I really do. I usually have an apple for breakfast and a salad for lunch and have been good about going to the gym. I can fit into my jeans even and here I'm about to screw it up by eating a burrito. I'm terrified to eat it but I want it so bad.

Not gonna lie, folks, I have that thought almost daily. Ooh that bread bowl looks fantastic I need to ingest it right now, oh wait, it's not carb-free? I hate that I'm so afraid to put some foods in my mouth, even when I've been good with my eating. What is with that mindset? Seriously, do I have to fear every piece of bread or slice of cheese? I understand I need to incorporate more fruits and veggies into my life and eating style and I'm alright with that. I've accepted that. But why do I have to feel like the worst possible person if I eat a freaking skittle?

I can't be the only person that struggles with this so I feel posting it here is a good option. It gives me the chance to be real and vent and even though it won't happen every day, sometimes I just have to get it out there. I'll never be a size two. Hell, I'll never be a size eight again. I will always have that cursed "dancer" thigh. I can't stop liking pizza. The list goes on and on.

I didn't have a burrito today. Mostly because my work served taco salads instead. I did have a taco salad, because it is a salad, even if it's not the best salad. I didn't eat all of the shell and I sparingly ate the cheese, but I ate those beans like it was nobodies business. I need the protein! I now feel bad and wish that I hadn't indulged, but I cannot change what I have done and I really should not feel guilty. I'm afraid to wake up tomorrow and not be able to wear my jeans. I'm afraid I will have go back to leggings being justified as pants because they are the only thing that will fit my waistline. Why can't the term "eat, drink, and be merry" be logical?

In closing for now I am going to eat salads the rest of the week and hey, if I want to steal a skittle from my work neighbors cubicle I totally will and I will try to not let my Catholic guilt get in the way.

alt dinner where we got crafty

So I must say I was extremely nervous to attend my ALT Design Summit dinner. I get very anxious when I am in a group with people I don't know, but I was encouraged to go by my husband and some friends so alas, I made the trek to Roth Distributing to meet up with some fantastic ladies. It was hosted by Kelly Wilkinson of Make Grow Gather and Sarah Flotard an amazing food photographer.

I was the first to arrive and it was such a relief considering I thought I'd be late. The first thing they offered me was a sparkling wine and grapefruit cocktail. Oh the joys of that. Usually I don't believe sparkling and wine mix, but I was proven very wrong with this concoction. Add a little blood orange and you're there.

I got a chance to mingle with Sarah and Kelly as others arrived and once we'd all made ourselves acquainted we went into a distribution showroom to make napkins! This is where I got to show off my less than artistic skills. Seriously I would love to point out that I failed first grade paint 101 and my sad little napkin will probably never see the light of day after this post.




Afterward we headed to the dining area and had a meal so fantastic I can't even describe it. A white salad, duck, squash. It was oh so yummy, and the girls were kind enough to give us some of the recipes in our gift bags.



The highlights? I did some networking, passed out my business cards (ooh aren't I fancy) and received some as well.

The lowlights? I fell on my ass. I seriously cannot wear heels. And I know what you're thinking...whoa how many of those sparkly cocktails did you have? I HAD ONE. And then a half a glass of dry reisling. Seriously, not enough to warrant a fall, I assure you. I wish I could have at least blamed the cocktails.

Next post? Day 1! Oy with the poodles already.

my fat jeans and the road to the number 150

via

Pump up the jam.

Okay, I'll admit it, I've been trying to diet during the holidays. Blasphemous, right? I don't care, I really need to lose some pounds. I suppose it is taboo for a lady to reveal her own weight but again, I don't care. I hit the 165 mark after Thanksgiving. To some, this is enormous to others it's their goal weight. For me, it's just enough to get me to stop eating bacon.

I feel really thin at 145, but I'd be happy at 150. It's fine for my height though my doctor would still tell you that I was obese. I just needed to drop 15 pounds to still be obese, how does that happen? I'm sorry, but I would look like a skeleton if I weighed any lower than 145, I've been there and it's gross. I'm not really vain, I just would like to be able to fit into even my stretchy jeans.

I bought some jeggings a few months ago in a size 10. I never thought I'd be a 10 and I must say I'm really comfortable being in double digits. I don't think I look fat, which is what can really get to me. Some days I look fantastic, others I feel like you can see the dimples in my stomach through my shirt. It's so frustrating that the scale can make me feel like I'm huge and I don't actually look it. Now like I said, I bought some jeggings which if you're not familiar, are stretchy jeans. I bought three pairs, all of which felt comfortable. Now, after eating too much turkey over the course of three days I can only fit into one pair. This really saddens me because I threw all of my old jeans away when I purchased these jeggings because I was optimistic and they ruled. Now I can only wear leggings which people say should not be worn as pants. Mine are thick enough that I feel comfortable breaking this rule, though I still feel like I look like I'm wearing pajamas when I go to work. So far my co-workers have been kind enough not to say anything.

The thing with the jeggings is that they don't have a fly, so all I can do is undo the top button to relieve the pressure on my waistline. It's annoying. I used to have this trick which I will swear to any deity that I invented. I would take an elastic hair band, thread it through the hole in my jeans in which the button would normally go through, to make a loop and then twist the loop around the button. It was stretchy and amazing. I found out years later that several people are familiar with this and I did not invent it, but I at least did in my head. It is a nice temporary fix but I'm afraid my Thanksgiving binge is too much for even the elastic.

I just really want to be able to fit into my jeans, that's all I ask. I don't care if I look like a stick figure or if I have a flat stomach. I've never had a flat stomach and I don't ever plan to, and I'm okay with that. I have no need to show off my stomach, modest is hottest. I just want to not have to breath with difficulty when I am sitting down, or have to wear six tank tops underneath my shirt to hold in the ripples. I really just want to feel comfortable in the clothes that I already own, including the jeggings, but it's hard when I really want to eat pizza all the time.

I've made myself a rule at work: an apple for breakfast except on Wednesdays when the cafeteria (yes, I go to work at a place that treats us like a school) serves biscuits and gravy. Because I am carb-conscious I substitute the biscuit with hashbrowns (I realize that hashbrowns still have carbs). And I get not one, but two orders. That's right, a full to-go container of gravy and hashbrowns. This may gross some folks out but it's the one food vice I have on ANY diet. My place of business also has an excellent Mexican lunch menu on Tuesdays and there are times which I cannot pass that up either. So for breakfast every day but Wednesday I eat an apple. For lunch on every day but Tuesday I have a salad. Then when I come home I have slightly more freedom because I played it safe during the day. It takes a bit of time to see the weight drop off but it eventually always does.

I hate to exercise and nothing you say will change my mind. This is somewhat hilarious to me because I used to be a dancer. I would take lessons four nights a week for four hours a night and I still had a pudgy belly, this is how I know it will never go away, believe me, I've tried. After I stopped dancing I lost the ability to want to work out. I tried running, I get bored. For three months straight when I was 22 I was hitting the gym five days a week to take classes, that got old fast. Now, my only workout is reaching across the bed for either popcorn or the xbox remote. I've accepted I have a hard time working out, so if I want to lose weight and fit into my jeans again it has to come from food.

I think I've already established that I love food, so the method I'm currently trying with the apples and the salads is a hard one, though I know it won't last forever. In no time I'll be back to eating my fast food, but at least then I can only worry about portion control and only eat half of my Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. And if worse comes to worse then I'll have salads for lunch for a week. Hopefully this will become a positive experience and I will reach my goal weight of 150 after the start of the year.

Believe it or not, this post has made me really hungry and we have pizza in the fridge. I will admit that today I had my double helping of hashbrowns and gravy but I did not have a salad for lunch, I had half of a bacon cheeseburger. I feel because I had half I can indulge in some pizza. I feel as if I've earned that right and I will proceed to lay out my leggings for tomorrow.

Hey, at least Tab is a diet soda, am I right?

last (thursday) night

Last night I made pasta. Warm weather = carbs and I'm not ashamed to admit my love of noodles.







My doggys keep me company in the kitchen on the rare occasion I made food that isn't reheated.

Epic It's Friday, Friday post coming soon!

i ate too many cookies last night...

...and I believe I am feeling it today.


top: thrifted; pants: target; boots: target

However...I really like my outfit and hair so in true "I swear I'm not a style blogger because I have no style" form, here is a picture of me today!

(Dear Zack, if you see this...don't hate)

I'm off early today which brings me much joy. Having vacation time rules, though I have a lot of reading/research to do so I will still be "doing stuff". At least when I leave work early I'm slightly productive.

There are so many things I need to do with the holidays coming up. We need to design a Christmas card, we need to make goodies for the three neighbors that we have...I have so much to plan on and so many ideas to choose from that I'm completely procrastinating.

I love this time of year, I truly do.