VERSUS // the gay surprise: the golden girls vs the golden girls

Now it pretty much goes without saying that The Golden Girls embraced the gay culture on their series before many did, especially in the 80's/90's. They had two episodes revolving around the topic so they were the ideal subject to pick for this weeks comparison.

In S02E05 Isn't It Romantic, Dorothy's college friend Jean comes to visit after her long-time partner Pat dies, and develops feelings for Rose. Later during S04E09 Scared Straight, Blanche's brother Clayton visits and gives Blanche some important news: he is gay. Later in the series, Season 6 he also brings his fiance Doug to meet Blanche, but maybe we'll visit that if I ever do a gay wedding versus.



Plot

I've never understood why the episode is called Isn't It Romantic. I mean I kind of get it but it isn't a title that I could look at and go "oh, I know exactly what one this is". Regardless, in season 2, Dorothy's college friend Jean stops by for a visit after her partner Pat passes away. We don't know this right away because Dorothy is really good at being vague (yep, she would have been one of those Facebook updaters, actually no she wouldn't have, she's badass) but Jean is a lesbian and Pat was her wife. Upon arrival Sophia and Blanche soon find out but they keep Rose in the dark, mainly because they aren't sure she'll even know was a lesbian is. During her stay Jean discovers she is starting to have feelings for Rose and after telling Dorothy she should probably leave, is encouraged to stay. Rose is still oblivious and after a late night of playing cards she invites Jean to stay in her room so she doesn't wake up a sleeping Dorothy. Before they fall asleep Jean is able to confess to Rose that she's into her while Rose pretends to be asleep. The next morning before Jean departs she and Rose have a heart to heart and agree to stay friends.

The tables are a bit different when Blanche's brother Clayton comes to visit after his divorce. Blanche tries to set him up with numerous women but he never seems interested. After one particular date Clayton runs into Rose in the park. She tries to help him find someone that suits him but after several women walk by without even a nod from Clayton he perks up at the sight of an attractive dude. Rose thinks he's kidding but he admits to her that he is gay. He doesn't want to tell Blanche because he's worried how she will react. When Blanche does finally ask him why he isn't interested in any of his prospects he tells her he slept with Rose. She gets upset and finally after seeing how mean she is to Rose, Clayton steps up and tells her that he is gay. Sophia had already figured it out by asking him a few easy questions, Dorothy was told by Rose but at first mistakenly though she had been told that Clayton is a hobo. Clayton leaves Blanche alone to gather herself and accept what he's told her, she tracks him down at what she thinks is a gay bar and they reconcile and everything is okay.

Characters



Jean vs Clayton - The Gay. Jean is a lot more open about her sexuality and doesn't seem to have really any reason to hide who she is. Clayton on the other hand is still figuring out where he fits and definitely needs the support of family. I can't say who is the better gay, that would be stupid. I will say however just for the sake of his vulnerability I'm going to go with Clayton on this one.



Dorothy vs Rose - The Support. Both Dorothy and Rose offer their support to their respective gay in different ways. Dorothy tries to keep Jean's secret to protect her and Rose takes the brunt of Clayton's false accusations. I will give this to Rose, I probably would have flipped out on Clayton if I had been her.



Rose vs Blanche - The Surprise. While in the end both Jean and Clayton were accepted, it took Blanche a bit longer. She isn't at fault, that's a big thing to accept but the fact that Rose was really casual and accepting form the get-go means she gets this one.

Breakdown

The coming out. I'll say Season 4. Jean was sweet doing it in her sleep but for the most part she was already out. Clayton was clearly nervous to tell his sister and worry if it would change her feelings towards him. That was bold, good for him.

The acceptance. It will probably seem weird I'm going with Season 4 on this, especially when above I gave this to Rose, but in this case I think the Season 4 episode showed things in a less comfortable light which oftentimes is how it can go, and also shows how important acceptance and tolerance is.

There we have it, Season 4, Scared Straight definitely shines in this. We could learn something.

before you end up under a pile of fruitcake

...consider some last minute holiday television specials. Honestly, it doesn't get much better than this. You thought Thanksgiving had good TV, well think again!

This time I went a little more personal. Besides the ones already discussed, these Christmas specials are really dear to me, I remember watching them repeatedly growing up. Each one can honestly make you feel pretty warm inside.



Full House -
S02E09 - Our Very First Christmas Show
CHRISTMAS IN AN AIRPORT. And also an epic speech by Uncle Jesse about the true meaning of Christmas. It also the first kiss between Jesse and Becky which is something most of us were living to experience in the late 80's.
S06E12 - A Very Tanner Christmas
DJ and Steve break up (and get back together) and Jesse gives Becky the gift of snow courtesy of sno-cone ice. Michelle and Stephanie also get a wonderful gift from their Uncle...they visit a homeless shelter and serve Christmas dinner. They finally realize it's not about what is under the tree.



The Golden Girls
S02E11 - 'Twas the Nightmare Before Christmas
The girls decide to make gifts for each other. This is the unveiling of The Men Of Blanche's Boudoir Calendar. They are held hostage at the grief center before going their separate ways for the holidays. In a freak storm for Florida all of their flights are cancelled and they spend the evening in a diner, only to realize that they actually are celebrating with family.
S05E12 - Have Yourself A Very Little Christmas
The girls join Rose serving Christmas dinner to the homeless at her church. Dorothy's ex-husband Stanley is among the patrons after making some bad investments and being kicked out by his current wife. Dorothy gives him a handout which pays for some flowers to get him back into his house, but not before dressing as Santa and bringing some joy to the homeless kids.



Saved By The Bell
S03E24&25 - Home For Christmas Parts 1 & 2 *To be honest, the season/episode may not be right, I'm going off of IMDB because nowhere in internet land seems to know actual seasons/air dates of this show. IMDB, Netflix and the DVDs all have different listings.
In a super random two part episode, the gang gets jobs at the mall over the holiday break (so seriously for a few days). Zack meets a girl named Laura and tries to woo her. Zack, Slater and Screech also encounter a homeless man living in the mall. Turns out this man is Laura's father. They all reach out and try to help them get back on their feet, all while performing a Christmas play (A Christmas Carol, of course) in the mall.



Friends
S07E10 - The One With The Holiday Armadillo
Out of all of the Friends Christmas episodes, for me this one is the obvious choice. Ross wants to teach Ben all about Hanukkah this holiday but all he wants to do is talk about Santa Claus. In an effort to please his son he tries to find a Santa suit but comes up empty. Instead he poses as the Holiday Armadillo to try and teach Ben about the Jewish Holiday. Chandler obtains a Santa suit and Joey obtains a Superman suit so all of the mascots get to learn about THE MACCABEES.



Roswell
S02E10 - A Roswell Christmas Carol
This is the holiday special I will watch repeatedly. It's a great treat even if you haven't seen the entire series (WHICH YOU SHOULD). Max, Michael and Isabel are aliens from the New Mexican crash now hiding in plain sight as teenagers. A local girl they find out has a rare cancer and in an effort to rectify not saving a father from a car wreck Max tries to heal the little girl. The others are against it, fearing they will be caught but once Max starts he can't stop. He tries to heal all the little kids with cancer in the hospital and eventually all of the aliens are on board with his decision wishing they could have healed more. For a teen drama on the WB in the late 90's it is heartbreaking and magical all at the same time (and it's on Netflix). And not gonna lie, I couldn't look at screencaps for this without welling up.

And even though it's been done, if you haven't already, give The OC, Home Improvement, Family Matters, The Office and Doctor Who a shot, they could always use more love.

VERSUS // murder mystery weekends: the golden girls vs saved by the bell

Are murder mystery weekends still a thing? How can I sign up for these? And by the way, neither one of these even last a full weekend, it's like murder mystery overnight, at best.

Two of my all-time favorite shows growing up both had their own rendition of a murder mystery weekend. First The Golden Girls with The Case of the Libertine Belle (S07E02) and then Saved By The Bell with the more obviously titled Mystery Weekend (S05E13). Both alike in so many ways but each putting a spin on it to differ them just enough.

Let's begin, shall we?


Always shoving the tall, smart ones in the corner.

Plot

The gist of both of these is that the collective gang embarks on a classy weekend trip involving a murder mystery dinner theater. The entire group is among people that may or may not be actors and are active participants in solving a fictional mystery. In both cases during the dinner there is a "snag" and there ends up being what is discussed as a "real" murder. Everyone is scared and worried about what is happening but come to find out that in the end, "the game had never stopped" (this was literal dialogue from the Saved By The Bell episode, word for word, The Golden Girls just implied it).

So we'll start there, in Saved By The Bell Lisa wins a radio contest that grants her the tickets to the dinner whereas in The Golden Girls Blanche plans the entire thing as a social outing for her museum colleagues. She mainly is trying to win the affections of her boss, Kendall Nesbitt to gain a promotion and she figures that this weekend will cast a positive light on her plunging neckline.

Throughout both shows, there is a know-it-all that starts to think that they have the winner pegged from the beginning. Dorothy for Team Golden (obviously, and who are you to judge her!?!?) and Zack for Team Bell.

We'll start Golden. The purpose of this fake weekend is the club-goers are celebrating the marriage of a wealthy older gentleman to a much younger gal named Candy. Both of his children in attendance, neither of which approve of the marriage seem to take matters in to their own hands. Blanche's rival for the promotion, Posey McGlin, seems to have the murder figured out, but in the end it is Dorothy that points out her mistakes and solves the mystery. Of course she does. Things take a turn. Blanche gives her key to Kendall so they can have some private time, only for the waiter to discover him dead on her bed with a steak knife to the heart. This isn't real, this isn't supposed to happen. Dorothy even tests his breath by putting a mirror to his nose which in turn does not fog up (she uses this on her mother every morning, if it fogs up, she starts the coffee). And since Blanche was the only one in the room, she becomes the prime suspect. Dun, dun, dun. Everything just got real. Everyone convenes back in the dining room, police and private investigators show up to reconstruct the murder. Blanche is guilty, they have enough evidence to make an arrest. Posey doesn't help, she admits she already had the job that Kendall was proposing to Blanche and that Blanche must have found out, invited him to her room, flung her dress on the bed to seduce him and then murdered him in a jealous rage! The police completely believe her because why not! Dorothy then, being the badass she of course is, reveals that the only people that saw the room after it was roped off were the cops and the girls...so how could Posey know the condition of Blanche's dress on the bed? She then correctly reconstructs the murder: Blanche in the shower, Posey finds out that Kendall came to Blanche's room so she knocks at the door. Thinking it was the champagne he ordered that the waiter delivered, he answers and Posey stabs him in the heart. Turns out Dorothy is right so of course Posey tries to shoot her! The cops intervene and it is revealed that Kendall is still alive and this was all part of the game! Blanche tries to admit that she was in on it too, but alas she was left in the dark, and still has a chance at the promotion.

Now as for SBTB Zack starts to piece things together but much to his chagrin keeps getting proved wrong by the people he selects being offed. The piano player dies by his drink. The waitress brought the drink. The butler poured the drink and then, the butler promptly dies. Poor Zack, you know he hates being wrong. Now for them, the turn starts with one of the visitors (Mrs. Bankhead) necklace being stolen. Mr. Jameson, the curator, promptly stops the game as this was not supposed to happen. He offers Lisa (and Zack, for some weird reason) some free vouchers for another weekend and when Zack shows up in his office to claim them he disappears, but not after giving him the voucher envelope which actually has prize money, inevitably framing Zack. Enter the police. Zack tries to prove his innocence and advises them that Lisa can be his alibi, Jameson told her about the vouchers. They go to the room where he left Lisa and she is nowhere to be seen but has left behind her fancy watch among all of Zack's things. What else is found? Mrs. Bankhead's necklace! Everyone gathers in the dining room (is there anywhere else?) where the police begin to interrogate Zack. They go back through the sequence of events and in Jameson's office find one of his cigarettes and two drinks, all marked with lipstick. One of the glasses contains a mango tonic with a kiwi twist, something that Lisa has been sipping on all night. So who else was in on it? Who was the other woman drinking with Lisa? Jameson in drag of course! He is revealed as one of the police investigators, along with the butler posing as the other cop. Lisa reveals herself and congratulates him on his victory. He totally nailed it and it's now clear (as if it totally wasn't before) that the SBTB universe loves their dressing in drag. Progressive, guys.

Characters



Dorothy Zbornak vs Zack Morris - The solver. It's really tough to do but I must side with Zack. Dorothy uses all of her amazing book knowledge to solve this mystery like a boss. And it was a hard mystery, there were a lot of little details she noticed, such as the hand a wristwatch is worn on indicating if they're right or left-handed. Zack does have a hiccup being he is also the one being blamed for the murder so the fact that he is able to solve it under than kind of pressure is pretty sweet. Maybe it's because he felt compelled to clear his name, either way he did a really good job. That just puts him a tiny bit above Dorothy because really, figuring out that Jameson was wearing a wig wasn't terribly hard, but if you're being accused of killing someone it may not be the first thing on your mind.



Blanche Deveraux vs Lisa Turtle - The participant. I will go with Blanche on this one. Lisa didn't really have to do much but make herself scarce by crawling into a secret passage, playing dumb a few times and making sure she orders her mango tonic with a kiwi twist (who knew that would be the giveaway? And sidenote they almost make it seem like it's an alcoholic beverage by the way that Jesse and Kelly scoff at her order choice, it drives me nuts. It isn't vodka, kids). Blanche was made to think that she was a suspect and honestly seemed scared out of her mind. She really couldn't even form a complete sentence to vouch for her innocence, she had to have Dorothy do that. She should win something, even if it is just in this blog post.

The Extras

When it comes to the extras besides the primary cast, I've gotta give this one to Saved By The Bell. They seemed to be a little more quirky in having the staff of the hotel dress in drag and mustaches and somehow get away with not being revealed as their true identity. Either that or the kids are really clueless. Could be both.

Breakdown

Actual mystery - This one goes to The Golden Girls. See, Saved By The Bell didn't really have a "real" mystery. They had the fake ones that happened at the beginning that were never totally solved, it was more the mystery of the disappearance of Lisa and Mr. Jameson, whereas The Golden Girls were tricked the whole time into thinking one of them really had been killed. I don't even think Dorothy knew until the very end that it was still a game.

The initial dinner murder - Again, goes to Golden. There was a lot more thought put into theirs and the reconstructions were much better conveyed than they were on SBTB.

The big reveal - Again, Golden you have this one. Thinking that Nesbitt is actually dead and then BAM he is alive and pulls his own murder weapon from his chest? Blanche looked like she was going to faint. That had much more of a reaction than Lisa walking out of the fireplace like hello I did not actually disappear! Super, you can go back to the mall now!

Wow, almost a sweep? As much as I love both of these shows, discovering them around the same time and relating to each in a different way I'm really happy that The Golden Girls came out on top. Good for them, the old bags.

today dorothy zbornak and i had a conversation

...which was basically quit it with all the negativity!!!

As you may know, the voice inside my head is Dorothy Zbornak. She's my spirit animal (where Mary-Kate is my patronus) and she understands my being and my existence.

As much as I try to resist it's hard to not get caught up in the negative. Life is sunny, birds are singing, doggies are playing and there is tea to drink. Why can't I appreciate that?

Because there are negative vibes all over the universe.

It's then when I have to have a stern talking to from Dorothy.

"Jordan, if you put out negative vibes then you will get negative vibes back. I don't want to go all Rose on you and start telling you a St. Olaf story, or go all Ma on you and tell you a story from Sicily, but one time, back in Brooklyn, I got knocked up in high school and I had to marry Stan and I could have made that a negative experience, but did I?

"Yeah, kinda. Well not at the time, but after he left you for a girl half Blanche's age after 38 years of marriage you got a little bitter."

"Well I had a right to!"

"You did, Dorothy, and I get it, but sometimes I seriously just cannot get out of a crappy mood."

"Then you know what you do! You take Rose's pre-measured cap on her Nyquil because if you take her cap she'll feel lousy and that will make you feel better. Or you know what? You can throw a pie in Mr. Ha-ha's face, because that works, too."

"You're obviously referring to this...


Thanks, Dorothy."

the voice inside my head is dorothy zbornak

I can't joke about this. You know your "inner monologue"? Well mine sounds exactly like Dorothy Zbornak, and she can be mean sometimes.

Example;


Seriously, that manly voice popping into my head whenever I have to make a life-altering decision? Dorothy is wise. Dorothy IS the ultimate Golden Girl. I know everyone is all about Betty White right now, because she is the only living Golden Girl but no one topped Dorothy. Her wit and humor and sarcasm was unmatched.

When she accidentally asked a hot priest out on a date, she responded to his compliment of her outfit with, "I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer. Which she did, only she is white.


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Seriously. She gets verbally beat up quite a bit by the other gals as well.


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But still she stands tall and fires back. Dorothy Zbornak is the perfect inner monologue.

i have the block

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Blanche: Well now I know why Hemmingway killed himself. Oh, girls, I have Writer's Block! It is the worst feeling in the world!
Sophia: Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.
Blanche: You just sit there, hour after hour after hour!
Sophia: Tell me about it.
Dorothy: How much have you written?
Blanche: Well, nothing. That's how I know I have writers block.
Dorothy: Blanche, you have to have written something to have writers block, otherwise we all have it.

Best way to put it. I don't usually talk about the writing I do away from the blog here, but I thought it's about time. Going through this entire process I know I'm going to need an outlet so I'm going to start utilizing it as of this moment.

I. Cannot. Figure. Out. What. To. Write.

I have finally figured out the genre and the layout and have settled on essay format (hey, Jordan's book of essays, rush to the store NOW) however I've started about seven essays, none of which I can complete. I am just staring at them blankly like "Okay, now what? and they're staring back at me like "Hey, this is your thing, you should know what you're writing" and now I'm like okay, I spent too much time deciding on what the front cover would look like, but what's the point if there is nothing to go on the pages in between.

I made my goal this year to finish the first draft of the book by December. I think that is a really believable goal, however even if I write one essay a month that's only 12 essays and I'm not sure that is enough. Also, I'm a month behind, so there's that. I'm self-taught and in need of a refreshers so now I'm scouring online tutorials to get my essay writing skills back up to par. I need to write something that others can care about, get them intrigued and wanting to read more. It's a lot harder than it sounds, I think.

I know it'll take time, and when I'm out doing something completely unrelated to writing an idea will form and I will have to write it down. Hopefully, I mean, that's how it works in other books I've read. Or movies. Or television.

I've wanted this for longer than I can say. I have wanted to write and complete SOMETHING. I want to be proud of it. I care entirely too much about this process, enough to dedicate an entire blog post to the subject after stressing that I have writers block. Ironyyyyy.

I am sure it'll pass. I'm sure the seven essays that I have started will turn into something great if I give it enough love, attention and dedication, which I am prepared to do. It's time to settle and make this goal complete, if I want it enough, which I do.

the palace

Today at work I was walking by my pal Regina's desk when I saw a familiar face on her computer screen via youtube. It was Blanche Devereaux.

Who is that, you ask? Why it's my second favorite character from The Golden Girls. Regina and I have shared quite the love for that show through the duration of our friendship (we've been friends since first grade, that's dedication, y'all) and so it wasn't really a surprise to me that she was watching her DVDs at work, it happens to both of us on occasion. But then I saw a not-so-familiar face, one of a much bigger name.

I saw Don Cheadle.

WTF, mate? Okay, now, to most passers by they would just assume he was one of The Golden Girls rather famous guest starts (passed guest stars include George Clooney, the guy from Law & Order and Mickey Rooney), but this was no guest star...and gasp, this wasn't The Golden Girls that she was watching. She was watching...The Palace.

The Golden Palace was a slight spin-off of The Golden Girls when it ended it's 7 season run in 1992 due to Bea Arthur's departure. It begins where The Golden Girls left off, Dorothy (Bea Arthur) married Blanche's Uncle Lucas (Leslie Nielsen, ANOTHER awesome guest star) and moved away, leaving Blanche, Rose and Dorothy's mother, Sophia, to buy a hotel in the greater Miami area. They meet the hotel owner Roland (Cheadle) and Chuy the cook (Cheech Marin...see even their guest stars go downhill here, sheesh) and if I remember right, Roland has a kid or something.

I will just interject this right here, without Bea Arthur there is no point in having a sitcom...most may disagree, but she was the show and she kicked ass. That's probably why The Palace only lasted once season.

I made my way into her deskspace which was still decorated with her birthday decorations from the days before. Yay for procrastination.

"Seriously, you're watching The Palace?" Eye roll, sigh, grunt.
"THE PALACE IS GREAT."
And I wander back to my cubicle that does not have birthday decorations.

Apparently no more needs to be said. She has her opinions and I have mine. I have watched the entire season of The Palace at least twice, possibly three times, and they are not good. Don Cheadle tries really hard, but I just don't buy him in his pre-Hotel Rwanda days. Maybe they should have asked the Law & Order guy to run the hotel instead?

*most of this info I got from wikipedia, it just looks like I know all about The Palace. I assure you, I don't.

things that ruined my life - my top 6

In the past I've usually done top 9's. Sometimes, 9 is just too much, so weekly now I will be wowing you with some form of another of a top 6 countdown. I figure what better way to start than with top 6 things that ruined my life - television edition. In no particular order...


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1. The Golden Girls - I will never be Dorothy Zbornak. Seriously, it's upsetting to me. Since I was nine she has been a woman of great knowledge, someone I have looked up to repeatedly. "So far today I have turned down every job in the county that didn't involve selling cocaine." She is brilliant. She has humor and wit, charisma, and she can snap a friends neck like a twig. She is self-sufficient, but not enough to be annoying. That's a quality most of us strive to achieve and I have strived and strived, but I will always be a little needy. I'm sorry, Dorothy, I hope you'll forgive me.


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2. Sex and The City - I will never afford Carrie's shoes/wardrobe or have her career. I also know that I cannot live on a weekly column writers salary and still afford all the fancy meals and fancy shoes she takes in on a daily basis. That is not realistic, writers are lucky if they make any money at all! "I've spent forty thousand dollars on shoes and I have no place to live? I will literally be the old woman who lived in her shoes." That would be me, I'd be "a bag lady, a fendi bag lady, but a bag lady." Good lord, SHE IS WHY I CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.


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3. Roswell - Aliens aren't real...or are they? Ever since I was fourteen I've been wondering that. Now days, anything involving the paranormal intrigues me be it aliens, ghosts, you name it. So now that we know where that stemmed from, I am constantly questioning everything in the universe because HOW COOL WOULD IT BE IF ALIENS WERE REAL? "We're not from around here..." Seriously when Max Evans uttered those words I was floored. As Liz casually asked "Where are you from?" I was yelling it at the screen, "YES WHERE ARE YOU FROM." I didn't trust them. I know better now that aliens are our friends (well, most of them, excluding Romulans but we'll get to that) and they can help us discover things. Discovering things is good, right? Speaking of...


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4. Star Trek: TNG - so what if i want to attend starfleet academy? Why can't I be a telepath? So many unanswered questions in the universe. I want to be a Starfleet captain, I think I can learn from Captain Jean-Luc Picard, he is way smarter than Captain Kirk, ask Sheldon Cooper. "Make it so, number one." AND HE LIKES TEA. "Tea, earl grey, hot." You cannot go wrong with that.


via 5. Gilmore Girls - You can't be best friends with everyone in your city, you just can't, plus I cannot come up with witty comments that quickly. I want to invent my own catchphrase "Oy, with the poodles already." I want a weird town Kirk (not to be confused with the Captain) to make shirts that says what people in my town are doing "Babette ate oatmeal." What amazing comradery that is.


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6. Dexter - for all I know, my brother is a serial killer. Or my neighbor. If I didn't learn to "trust no one" from the X-Files (which contradicts Roswell, but whatever), then I would learn that from Dexter Morgan. He comes off as the sweetest, most upstanding dude, yet little does anyone know of his "dark passenger". Now that's just it, I believe he is a sweet, upstanding dude, he just has a Boondock Saints vibe about him wanting to get rid of the horrible scum that walks the earth. I am so torn with him, yet can't help but wait for what happens next. He also makes me really want to buy a Dodge.