i will probably never be an adult and why i love fall television kickoff time

Photo of TAB on Supernatural sent to me via Michael Doxey, surprisingly a show I do not watch.

This morning my number one priority on the way to work was to check Hulu and see what television was on last night. Honestly. That and if I could imagine actually putting butter in my coffee like my dear new friend Olivia swore by. Tried it, enjoyed it, but I do like my hazelnut. Why do I have to make decisions?

Speaking of decisions, I figured, while on Hulu, that I would give Dads a shot. Bad decision. It was not good. Damn you, Seth MacFarlane I truly had high hopes. GIOVANNI RIBISI. Need I say more? You disappoint me Ribisi. Make better choices.

The anxiety that fall television puts on me is palpable. I have to start planning out all the crap I watch in hopes that I don't get too far behind and can take the time to enjoy.

Did you know that Grey's Anatomy has been on the air my entire adult life? That's insane to me. It's like my entire adult life is ending? But it's not, obviously, but that show premiered when I was eighteen and here we are, the final season (at least I'm told). I feel like that warrants some sort of tribute from me.

The only new show I think I'll be able to handle is the one with Michael J. Fox. I do adore him but I also adore Betsy Brandt and her character on Breaking Bad. Though only recently, Marie was painful to watch in the beginning. And don't get me started on Breaking Bad. As soon as it ends I'm sure they'll be some weepy post about how giant of a void there will be left in my heart. I don't do well with goodbyes, either, you saw me with Six Feet Under, even the second time around hurt me. Badly.

This time of year can be a time of great joy and sadness. With all of the newer shows testing the network waters only for the majority of them to be cancelled anyway. You learn to love them and then suddenly they're ripped from you (even if its been two years, RIP Smash). Shows you love (see above) are ending that have been on since you've been able to vote. Sometimes I just don't want to think about it. But either way, fall television season is such a lovely season.

However, I feel like planning out my viewings and caring this much about them is a less than adult decision. I should be more worried about world famine, healthcare and my taxes, right? I am. A little bit. But yes, I do care about the fact that the little dude from Glee has passed and it's going to be a giant sobfest when that one returns. My feelings about the subject are genuine, even if they probably shouldn't be.

And with that being said, it's about time to fall asleep to some Frasier.

Rant. This post really has no point. At all.

freedom isn't free

I've been thinking I should probably get some stuff out that has been on my mind a lot lately. It's really hard to know how to even go about this because if I'm being honest, I'm not even really sure what my exact thoughts are. I've been struggling a lot this past year (or five) with self-growth and self-discovery. That being said, I've recently decided that it's time to finally start doing all of those things I've been wanting to do but keep putting off for one reason or another. Those things are but are not limited to:

1. Writing a book
2. Figuring how to work for myself
3. Figuring out what I should do to actually be able to figure out how to work for myself.

I've known for a while that I've wanted to do something where I can be my own boss. I would like to preface this with the fact that I do have a great job. I work for a very loyal and fantastic company that will go to bat for any of it's employees. I'm late every day and sometimes I don't put in the effort I know I should, but overall I am a consistent employee that does my job very well and so if I have an off day, it doesn't matter. I am valued.

Thing is with me, a creative-type, so to speak, is that I often find myself feeling constrained. I punch a clock, if I take too long to go to the bathroom it's noticed. Not that this is a bad thing, it's the nature of working for someone else. It's a small (very small) price to pay. That's what you do, you go to your job to work and are compensated for your efforts.

I struggle with this at times, mainly because I want a little more freedom. Don't we all? So I know that someday I will want to be able to make my own schedule and not have to answer to anyone but myself when it comes to the hours I work. I also know that I need more creativity in my life. That is just a fact, it's surely what I am destined to do and I've only realized that more and more lately. I've had some very amazing pushes in the right direction and that has helped me open my eyes.

I don't want to be one of those people that just says hey, I'm going to do this, and then I sit on my ass for many days and look back and I'm fifty and I'm still on a regular 9-5. I cannot be that person, I won't let myself.

So I'm starting to take initiative. I've started learning new things already and I'm seriously considering enrolling in the Salt Lake Art Institute sometime next year, but we will see. I have a long way to go before I do that.

Now about that book.

I've got a bit written and I have many more ideas, I just need to get them out onto the pages. I can do this and I will do this. I understand that I will never be able to live comfortably being a writer, and that is okay. Writing is a passion and I don't want to lose my zest for it. So if I publish one book or seven, I need something else to bring home the bacon and hopefully where I'm heading will be just that.

I will share more when I have a little more practice and feel a little more comfortable but for now just know that I'm learning, I can't wait to share more and write more about this entire process and I really hope that by doing this it pushes me just a little bit further.

on being an adult & rant & rant

I would hardly call myself an adult. The only thing that qualifies me is literally a number. I'm 27, so therefore I am an adult. But does an adult not renew her license and use her passport to buy wine? Does an adult not register her car every November, but instead waits until taxes come in February (and sometimes gets threats from the SLCPD that her car may be impounded when parking on the street)? Does an adult live on pizza? I really am not sure how to answer any of those.

I have bills, responsibilities. I have a house and a job that require adult-type attention, yet there are days where I really just want to do absolutely nothing but color and make playlists like I did when I was younger.

Today it is snowing, like big, old, fat flakes. I look outside and can barely open my eyeballs they're so overwhelmed with brightness (same with my phone when I'm just waking up, no I do not want to restock my tiny tower IT IS SEVEN AM). I can't bring myself to go out into the cold except to buy some essentials I needed this morning and a chai tea with a shot of espresso. The man at Starbucks convinced me to get a spinach and feta wrap and I'm glad he did, it was a much better choice than the alternative: a cake pop. Or three.

I also had to wash my hair today because that is my Saturday ritual. I really just wanted to take a shower because when it is cold, I really like being in a hot shower, it's second only to my bed which I also love when it is cold. Today, with the flakes of snow, a shower was needed so I decided to kill two birds (not literally) and wash the hair as well. It was warm, because when I shower I do not ever turn on the cold. The setting on my water heater must be perfect because the temperature is not enough to scald me but just enough to make my eyes water. I found out today that if I take the shower head off the holder and run it over my hair that it is a little too much heat to bear, so it must be placed on its perch above me. I think that by the time it gets from the spout to my head from that distance is mathematically perfect. But again, adults don't take showers to just absorb the water, right? They take baths to get clean. Well, I do that, too.

Did you know that they make blankets specifically to wear? Don't confuse them with blanket jackets which I have three of. Blanket jackets have sleeves, blankets for wearing are actual blankets designed in a sort of poncho way. I find them to be one of the best inventions I have ever discovered, minus the shedding. They shed worse than my dogs, or at least the one I have does.

Booyah, it's Saturday.

maybe it is the nyquil

I'm feeling funny, funny as in hilarious not weird or troubled. I've had a lot of Nyquil. Did you know they card you for that now? I understand wanting to prevent making meth which I fully support (the prevention, not the making of), however what if for some stupid reason I didn't have my ID on me? They would not let me by medicine to make myself better? Luckily last night I had my non-expired passport on me so I was able to purchase a large bottle of Ny and Dayquil.

With the weather and the snow Utah has had over the past month it is a miracle this is the first day I've missed work. Sure, I've been late a few times (like seven times) but I've always come in, even on the day of the ice rain. However today I just couldn't do it. The cough has got me down and so it's a day in bed with television and cookie dough and I really want to drink that Tab but I'm pretty sure that the carbonation will do a number on my already raspy throat. I want orange juice but that would require me to go to the store which is fine, but I don't want to have to shovel my driveway with this sickness, though I'm starting to think if I really want orange juice that bad I'll have to suck it up and do it.

First world problems here. Ew shoveling.

Maybe I will stay in tomorrow, too. Get a jump start on my goals to make myself a better citizen of these United States, eh? Or something to that fact. On my sick days I like to pretend I'm Hilary Clinton or Beyonce or Meryl Streep and I'm sitting here still working to better the lives of others through politics, music or cinema. But I'm not Hil or Bey or Mer. I'm Jordan and I just chill here in my camo shirt watching Girls and rambling that I'm out of cookie dough and OJ and want to shovel my driveway and take a trip to the antique store to buy that ceramic Jack Russell terrier that's been in the window for at least a year, probably because it costs more than my house.

My throat hurts, goodbye.

for the record

This week has been the suckiest of my life. The weather has not helped. I have made it into work and not missed a full day (I may have been late a few times) and I really hope that shows to the boss people. I really, really need to keep my job.

To anyone that's spoken more than a few words to me this week I apologize if I was harsh. I really have just been in the darkest cloud and I hope to bring myself out of it soon. Yes, I understand people can help me but as of late I've really wanted to accomplish things like that on my own, I owe it to myself.

I absolutely hate ice. So do my knee and tailbone.

happy 2013

I will be honest. I was about to delete this blog and start fresh for the new year. Then I realized, that would be a lot of work to re-design an entirely new site and I wouldn't want to put the burden on myself (or Zack, who actually did design my blog). So I am staying put.

I know I say that I'm going to be "changing things up" a lot, but as one of my resolutions I think I'm going to put a lot more of myself into this blog. No structure or schedule, just blogging about what I want at the moment I want to, be it a photo, a list, a rant, a rant, a rant, a poem, something about tv or a rant. You get the idea.

To all those that read? Merci, beaucoup. 2013 promises to be a banner year, I can feel it.

The end.

sunday thought bubbles

I had a bit of a meltdown today. Nothing crazy, just got really cry-y and snotty and emo and annoyed with everything (Moz would not get out of my way). I just needed to get it out and feel a little sorry for myself and then it was over. And now I feel better, I had a lot of tea and some ice cream and watched Across The Universe and got a little zen. Sometimes that's all you need to feel better.

I have a lot of goals for myself in 2013. I feel like I've grown into my own quite a bit this year. I stand up for what I think is write instead of just going with the group. I'm less afraid of what I look like to others or what I wear. I basically look like a homeless Olsen twin on the weekends and I really don't mind (hello I love them, it's no secret). There are some things I still want to reach: starting my own business, writing SOMETHING that catches fire even if it's just to one person that thinks it's amazing. Gosh, Jordan, just finish the novel already.

I may or may not be high on Echinacea right now.

I went to an "essential oils" party on Saturday afternoon and the entire time I couldn't help but wonder "What Would Maria De Luca* Do?" She is one of my many spirit animals/patronuses. The others being Mary-Kate Olsen**, Lorelai Gilmore***, Carrie Bradshaw/Miranda Hobbs****, and of course, Dorothy Zbornak*****. All of those women are the best them's they can be, Maria included, and where Dorothy was my first spirit animal, MDL was a close second.

Anyway the point of that was, Maria wasn't afraid to try new things like rubbing oil on her temples to take away a headache. I want to be like that. I want to believe in something crazy like that even if it makes no sense to anyone else and not be afraid that they're going to make fun of me for it. I just need to stop caring.

*Maria De Luca is from my favorite show as a tween Roswell. I've posted a lot about it and think everyone should watch it because it's totally brilliant.

**Mary-Kate Olsen, you know who she is, but she's a good spirit animal because she is a total badass who runs a business, doesn't give a crap about anything besides being who she wants to be. And she doesn't get messed up in things like Facebook.

***Lorelai went to business school, runs an Inn and has a smartypants daughter. She is a supergal.

****Okay so I can never decide if I like Miranda or Carrie more. Everyone likes Carrie, and I like Carrie and sometimes I want her apartment or her closet and her luck with writing, but other than that I'm definitely more of a Miranda. I'm strong, independent, kind of awkwardly attractive and I love that about her.

*****Dorothy Zbornak is the best lady in the world and if you are unfamiliar I feel that you should google her right now and read up on some of her wit. It would also help to google Bea Arthur while you're at it.

open letters and blah blah blahhhh

Because it's been a while.

Dear Doxey,

Please always wear sparkly shoes. When you get back we'll go RV shopping. And beanie shopping so you can officially hit Jesse Pinkman status.

Jord

....

Dear Xbox update,

Seriously? There is important Hulu that needs to be watched, why do you have to take so long to update?

Jord

....

Dear John Stewart,

Thank you for making news hilarious. I guess I should CC some people on this.
CC: Bob Evans, Hope Woodside

Okay thanks,

Jord

....

Dear King Of The Hill,

I am happy to fall asleep to you every single night.

Jord

....

Tonight I'm feeling rather exhausted and my throat is sore from all of the yelling I do on a daily basis (kidding, but I'm not sure why my throat hurts and that just makes sense). I'm trying to build my own mind and my own character that has been lost somewhere along the lines of not having a career that I love when I see so many around me accomplishing just that. I feel like I have a lot more to offer and that I am a great asset to the world. I'm fantastic, and not at all cocky. I just feel like I'm wasting some of this energy being negative.

Negativity has gotten me nowhere thus far, take note.

On any given day I'm going to drink a tab and eat some yogurt. I buy organic food though I'm not a vegetarian. I probably will never be a vegetarian but at least I can eat organic chicken. I justify it somehow.

Why can't I just live on a wheat farm and make clay pots or something, it would make me much happier. I don't feel that I'd be accepted if I decided to just do something radical like that, but honestly why should I care? And why am I feeling so honest and rebellious lately?

Blame the tab, ban the tab. NEVER.

Okay this makes no sense, I'm done now.

oy with the rants, already.

I am fortunate to have a job, I cannot stress this. It's hard enough out there for people with jobs let alone people without. I'm really not a griper but I tend to get frustrated when people out there take advantage of some of the assistance that is available to those without income. My day job is in the field of public utilities so I run into this often: customer cannot pay their bill due to lack of income, they seek state assistance, all is well. I have NOTHING against assistance, I think it is wonderful that there are organizations out there (non-profit, churches, etc.) that are willing to help those folks get back on their feet, however, I do have a problem with those that take advantage. Case in point...

Jordan: Hello (job name here), this is Jordan, how may I help you?
Customer: Yes, I just wanted to let you know that I'm seeking assistance on my bill, there is no way that I can make a payment, I have no income.
Jordan: Alright, let me make a note on your account, who is offering assistance?
Customer: (insert church leader here)...do you mind holding?
Jordan: Not at all. *makes notes*
Customer: (to gas station worker) Yes, I'd like a six-pack of Keystone and a carton of Virginia Slims. (Pause) Okay I'm back *cough, sniffle*. So I'll have my church leader call you to let you know how much they are paying on my bill.
Jordan: *picks jaw up off of the floor* Alright...have a nice day?
CLICK.

Before I go on I would like to point out I'm not the best person ever and I don't claim to be. I don't go to mass like I should, I like my wine and the f-work when it's appropriate (meaning not around kids). If I needed assistance I would be thankful that it was available. I just feel that you shouldn't be seeking assistance if you're using whatever means you have to buy something trivial like that. If I'm having a "wow there went my paycheck" week, I'm going skip the cocktail, it goes without saying. Same goes with borrowing from family. "Hey mom, I need to borrow $200 to cover power and gas, I spent my money on needles for my heroin addiction." Yep, that makes sense.

Sometimes I just need to rant, I hear conversations like this daily and it eventually weighs on me. I have always been taught that help will come if you're helping yourself and I believe that firmly. Things happen for a reason, but good things won't happen to me until I retire my crack pipe.

End. Rant.

*in case it doesn't go without saying I do not smoke crack nor do I shoot up heroin.