my fat jeans and the road to the number 150

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Pump up the jam.

Okay, I'll admit it, I've been trying to diet during the holidays. Blasphemous, right? I don't care, I really need to lose some pounds. I suppose it is taboo for a lady to reveal her own weight but again, I don't care. I hit the 165 mark after Thanksgiving. To some, this is enormous to others it's their goal weight. For me, it's just enough to get me to stop eating bacon.

I feel really thin at 145, but I'd be happy at 150. It's fine for my height though my doctor would still tell you that I was obese. I just needed to drop 15 pounds to still be obese, how does that happen? I'm sorry, but I would look like a skeleton if I weighed any lower than 145, I've been there and it's gross. I'm not really vain, I just would like to be able to fit into even my stretchy jeans.

I bought some jeggings a few months ago in a size 10. I never thought I'd be a 10 and I must say I'm really comfortable being in double digits. I don't think I look fat, which is what can really get to me. Some days I look fantastic, others I feel like you can see the dimples in my stomach through my shirt. It's so frustrating that the scale can make me feel like I'm huge and I don't actually look it. Now like I said, I bought some jeggings which if you're not familiar, are stretchy jeans. I bought three pairs, all of which felt comfortable. Now, after eating too much turkey over the course of three days I can only fit into one pair. This really saddens me because I threw all of my old jeans away when I purchased these jeggings because I was optimistic and they ruled. Now I can only wear leggings which people say should not be worn as pants. Mine are thick enough that I feel comfortable breaking this rule, though I still feel like I look like I'm wearing pajamas when I go to work. So far my co-workers have been kind enough not to say anything.

The thing with the jeggings is that they don't have a fly, so all I can do is undo the top button to relieve the pressure on my waistline. It's annoying. I used to have this trick which I will swear to any deity that I invented. I would take an elastic hair band, thread it through the hole in my jeans in which the button would normally go through, to make a loop and then twist the loop around the button. It was stretchy and amazing. I found out years later that several people are familiar with this and I did not invent it, but I at least did in my head. It is a nice temporary fix but I'm afraid my Thanksgiving binge is too much for even the elastic.

I just really want to be able to fit into my jeans, that's all I ask. I don't care if I look like a stick figure or if I have a flat stomach. I've never had a flat stomach and I don't ever plan to, and I'm okay with that. I have no need to show off my stomach, modest is hottest. I just want to not have to breath with difficulty when I am sitting down, or have to wear six tank tops underneath my shirt to hold in the ripples. I really just want to feel comfortable in the clothes that I already own, including the jeggings, but it's hard when I really want to eat pizza all the time.

I've made myself a rule at work: an apple for breakfast except on Wednesdays when the cafeteria (yes, I go to work at a place that treats us like a school) serves biscuits and gravy. Because I am carb-conscious I substitute the biscuit with hashbrowns (I realize that hashbrowns still have carbs). And I get not one, but two orders. That's right, a full to-go container of gravy and hashbrowns. This may gross some folks out but it's the one food vice I have on ANY diet. My place of business also has an excellent Mexican lunch menu on Tuesdays and there are times which I cannot pass that up either. So for breakfast every day but Wednesday I eat an apple. For lunch on every day but Tuesday I have a salad. Then when I come home I have slightly more freedom because I played it safe during the day. It takes a bit of time to see the weight drop off but it eventually always does.

I hate to exercise and nothing you say will change my mind. This is somewhat hilarious to me because I used to be a dancer. I would take lessons four nights a week for four hours a night and I still had a pudgy belly, this is how I know it will never go away, believe me, I've tried. After I stopped dancing I lost the ability to want to work out. I tried running, I get bored. For three months straight when I was 22 I was hitting the gym five days a week to take classes, that got old fast. Now, my only workout is reaching across the bed for either popcorn or the xbox remote. I've accepted I have a hard time working out, so if I want to lose weight and fit into my jeans again it has to come from food.

I think I've already established that I love food, so the method I'm currently trying with the apples and the salads is a hard one, though I know it won't last forever. In no time I'll be back to eating my fast food, but at least then I can only worry about portion control and only eat half of my Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. And if worse comes to worse then I'll have salads for lunch for a week. Hopefully this will become a positive experience and I will reach my goal weight of 150 after the start of the year.

Believe it or not, this post has made me really hungry and we have pizza in the fridge. I will admit that today I had my double helping of hashbrowns and gravy but I did not have a salad for lunch, I had half of a bacon cheeseburger. I feel because I had half I can indulge in some pizza. I feel as if I've earned that right and I will proceed to lay out my leggings for tomorrow.

Hey, at least Tab is a diet soda, am I right?