from my heart

Today out of nowhere the most fantastic idea came to me and I just started writing. I wrote like fifteen pages of amazingness and I cannot wait to see what it turns into. I haven't had much inspiration so this was a very welcome sparkle in the terms of my writing life.

I was feeling really anxious this morning and I'm not sure why. I get like this every so often and today I when I got up to take the dogs out I sat in my robe, staring into my neighbors window and said to myself "no".

I'm not sure what question I was answering but I knew I needed to take some resting time. I climbed back into bed, snuggled up with Zack and the doggies and fell asleep.

Do you ever feel like that? Feel just like you're not yourself? It was almost out of body, I felt like I wasn't me. I was tired and irritable and whiny. Now admittedly these are some of my finest attributes but it felt differently today. Disconnected.

I feel terrible that I never finished school. That I'm not doing everything I know I can be. Let me rephrase. As far as my life goes I have much to be thankful for. I have an amazing husband who loves me and supports my weird dreams and who always tries to cheer me up when I am feeling this way, even when I may not want a cheering. I have doggies that give me kisses and hugs and in Moz's case, smacks on the face when I'm trying to dance with him. I have some good friends that remind me to smile and to be weird. I have a lot.

But I feel like I'm missing some part of me. Maybe it's just that I haven't quite figured out who I am yet. That could definitely be a factor. I mean, I know who I am. I'm Jordan Raycine Shutt. I'm dorky and I'm nervous and intro/extroverted depending on the company. I like really stupid things and I don't pretend to not but I am sensitive to it because I still want to be accepted. I want to be a writer and I will try with all of my might to finish a book before I'm dead. I like to wear really ugly grandma tops and I like couches from the thrift store. I don't have a style, which can be kind of fun. I am a non-hipster, hipster. Or a hippie-ster as my friend Regina once described it. I don't know, I think all of that sounds really great.

So why am I feeling like I have no fecking clue what I am doing? Probably because I don't.

I don't think you're really supposed to know where your life is going. I was having a conversation with my friend Lindsay the other day and she was describing her frustrating that she wasn't able to plan out what was going to happen in the next few weeks for her family. Smart Jordan said that you cannot plan your life completely, you have to let things happen.

So awesome that I don't even take my own advice right? Shebam.

I will be over this anxious feeling in a day or two. I just like feeling like I'm not crazy and others have these feelings too. The feeling of support may seem like the smallest thing but it's what will get me through all of this.

To the new followers that I've acquired recently, yay you get to know me and my serious posts. To all my friends and family in real life that read this, thank you for being rocks of mine. I'm really looking forward to 2012 and what it brings. Hopefully it brings me some self-assurance and some confidence to do what I really want to do. Write, be a little crazy, be Jordan. It's really easy to get down on yourself and that is one thing that I am not going to be doing this year.