109. inspiration

This is me sort of re-doing this post...I don't remember what it originally said but I do remember that I posted some photos of things I thought were pretty.





I want to make my house a home. Somewhere that is cozy and that I want to be all the time. I'm definitely a homebody and I wouldn't have it any other way. I'd rather stay cozy inside then go out somewhere. I don't know, maybe it comes with growing up?

I've been feeling very...odd...lately. I don't usually get too personal on here especially because if the wrong people fine it someone will be bothered by it but I can't care anymore. I don't think people even read this.

I feel extremely unsupported by my family, and especially now where I am the happiest I've been in forever, its starting to really get to me. I don't have family to rely on, I have Husband and his family and the few close friends I have. I'm very selective that way, and I am alright by that but I still feel like my family hasn't really ever been there for me and I have tried to force it for too long. I'm married now, I am going to be starting my own family in the upcoming years and I don't want it to be a situation where they start to come around only then. Don't get me wrong, I of course want my kids to know then, but that doesn't mean that my relationship with my family is going to change.

To narrow it down, my father is on a "when it's convenient for me I'll talk to my daughter" relationship with me, my mother has too much to worry about with my other sibling right now, and I've never been extremely close with any of my siblings. I have one cousin I'm close to and can literally count on for anything and for that I am thankful, I have another cousin I tried for a very long time to be that way with but constantly felt like I would never live up to whatever scale she had me placed on...my other cousins and aunts and uncles are just very random in my life and I never see them so I have nothing against them. Sometimes I wish I was closer to them and sometimes I really wish I could move to another state and just...be there. Then my absence wouldn't be as bad because my excuse could be 'Hey I live in Boston, I can't come to your barbeque.'

Sorry for the rant I'm just feeling down on myself so here I am, whining on my blog.

I was talking to husband today about how I wish I could just finish my book and then write a bunch of essays and publish something that way. But who wants to hear the opinions of a 25 year old Catholic from Utah? Eh.

Sorry I'm a downer today. This week is going to be awesome though. Kramer and Star are coming to visit (*Kramer is Husband's friend from back east, he was here a few moths ago and Star is my friend from back east, we've talked since 2003 and only met once, its awesome. They're traveling together.), we have a lot of fun stuff to do and I just am excited to be surrounded with people that are supportive and not worry about those that aren't.

Man,

Jordan.