I don't know why I'm feeling the need to get all weird and squishy, but sometimes you just have to let stuff out am I right? I don't know.
I miss writing. I haven't really written anything of substance in a really long time. I don't know why either, I jot down weird little thoughts but nothing ever comes of it. I need to buy a notebook, I prefer writing in a notebook when it comes to "writing". #hipster/emo
I listened to Gordon Lightfoot on the way into work this morning and it oddly lifted my spirits. I'm tired today, I'm tired all the time. I wonder if I have a syndrome? Sheesh. I always want to go to bed at eight o' clock and sometimes I do.
Wow, I'm depressing today. Emo Friday!
I got to thinking about my high school days this morning...I read a blog post from a friend (acquaintence?) in high school, I didn't really know her then, don't really know her now, but I like to read her thoughts, we had a lot in common.
I was a loner in high school, and I kind of am now. I'm socially awkward, I'd rather stay in and watch a movie than go out 10-1. I don't have many close friends which is probably why I write. I have a few I confide in...Almost Husband, the east-coasters, but that's about it...I don't like to talk, and I love to talk at the same time. In high school I watched Roswell and listened to Good Charlotte, I was a Catholic in a primarily Mormon area so I always felt different. Not much has changed since then except my hair color.
I don't have good family ties. That's the hardest thing for me. I'm marrying into a fantastic family, one that actually likes each other, and that is golden. I will spend as much time with them as I can because I feel like I'm in a family. Don't get me wrong. I love love LOVE my parents, my brothers and sisters (even though sometimes we don't agree on things) and I do love my extended family as well. There are some aspects of situations with them I wish I could forget, my high school years were absolutely miserable at home and I sometimes still carry a huge grudge with me. I often didn't (and sometimes still don't) feel supported in my decisions, and I was a damn good kid. I didn't drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex. I sat in my room and watched my nerd shows and listened to my nerd band. I had some small self-destructive behavior and I got through it, not with the help of my family but with the help of pop-culture? I hope that doesn't make me sad.
I don't know why I'm choosing to vent all of this, but I just feel like I'm holding it all in and it's getting too heavy. I have a great life, I am so thankful for all that I have. I have an almost husband who is in love with me despite my many, many faults, I have dogs (when did I become a dog person again?) and I have a house and a car and a job and a little bit of money. I'm happy with where life has taken me, but holding in all these issues isn't making my personality any more sparkly and I have to be sparkly. I can fake it, but what fun is that? It'll just all cave in on you soon enough.
I have a lot of inspiration today. I've been working on "the novel" since 2005. I'm only 30 pages in because I procrastinate. My mom thinks the book is about her, it's not. It's about...I can't really decide yet, I need to write another 30 pages.
I have to get back to doing some work. I have a job, it pays me, and I have responsibilities. Why can't I just focus on that?
End emo rant, Jordan.
RIP really old Good Charlotte
Oh Roswell how I miss you.
Someone please watch this show so I can start gushing about it again. Gah.
Jordan, this open, honest post was inspiring. I'm sure it was hard, yet so relieving to write!! It looks like you've been through a whole lot...and you're working hard live in the present and to be happy, and love the ones you're with....and i respect that. I hope you have a wonderful weekend with your almost husband!! <3
ReplyDeleteJordan, I just love you! you're too cute!
ReplyDeleteThank God that tomorrow is a different day. I love hearing your heart.
*praying for you friend. ;) Big hugs.
(emo fridays. you crack me up.)
1) Who wasn't a loser in high school? High school is such an awkward time for everyone, even the “cool” kids. My classmates thought I was a drug doing, alcohol drinking, lesbian, slob... In reality I had never touched a drug in my life, nor a cigarette. I had never touched any alcholic beverage… In fact, I refused to eat rum cake, because there was alcohol in it. I avoided both caffeine and soda. I wasn’t a lesbian, but certainly wasn’t attracted to the tiny, white guys at my school, I guess that makes me a lesbian? Although, I did have a long-term boyfriend in college that no one knew about. And I looked like shit because I had swim practice in the mornings! It didn't allow me a lot of time to get ready for school. Plus, there was an entire year that I ate lunch by myself (milk chocolate steamed milk and a pumpkin chocolate chip muffin) because my "friends" were hot boxing it in the parking lot and I didn't want to be a part of it. Then my "friends" told everyone I "thought I was better than them" and ditched me... After making me look like a judgmental bitch, classy. I used to wear plaid pajama pants to school with pink flip flops, I thought that was cool!? Are you kidding me!? High school is awful for everyone and the people that had a good time in high school are still stuck there, trying to make it last for as long as possible. Because when they entered the real world, they discovered how stupid they were and went running back to their comfort zone. One more thing, I was a non-MoMo in a very Mormon town as well, so I feel you.
ReplyDelete2) My mother always tells me, "You can't pick your family." Something I’ve discovered is that NO ONE has a perfect family, NO ONE. Everyone’s family is fucked up and you just need to embrace the fact that yours is to. Welcome to the circus.
3) You don't need to be "sparkly," who said you need to be sparkly? The only thing you need to be, is yourself. Here's what I've discovered, I’m a fucking nut job… I may want to “be” this way, or look that way, but really I’m just a freaking fruit loop who wants to be all these things I’m not. Therefore, I’m a nut job. Embrace the fact that you’re a nut. Again, welcome to the can… Of nuts that is.
And scene.
Oh, Darling Jordan! This pots was incredible to read. I know how you feel on the socially awkwardness and having to fake it for the masses. I am completely the same way. Do you ever wonder if we are all socially awkward and we're all faking it? I have been thinking that lately. People whom I have always thought seemed extraordinarily confident tell me they have to fake it as well. It kills me.
ReplyDeleteAnyhow, I love how open you were about good charolotte in high school. I was always kept my love for them secret, except to you and same with Blink 182. I regret that. Who even cares now days? But I was in love with both and hardly ever listened to them in fear of being judged. Wow, I hope I get it across to my children that faking things in High School, just isn't worth it.
But, I am here for you. If you ever want to leave the comfy couch, I have this problem as well, I'd love to grab a cup of coffee or a drink. I've always enjoyed being around you.