So I know a few posts ago I’ve said I’ve been kind of dealing with a weird inner struggle? I guess it’s time to slightly elaborate on that.
I’m getting married and we’re talking about babies. Not right now, but eventually. This all excites me to no end but after thinking about it I realize I need to shape myself into the wife/mother I want to be, and I’m not sure I am there. I still struggle with a lot of insecurities and things like that that make me worry I am somehow going to fail. I’m not sure where this comes from.
Yesterday I went to mass. Weird, but I woke up with this feeling that I really needed to go, so I did. Bountiful mass is odd because they still act like Mormons. They’re very kind and want to know all about you and it’s great. I’ve actually never been to a mass where I’ve been alone and felt so welcomed, it was fantastic. But the weird thing about it is that from the moment I stepped into the church I had this overwhelming feeling and I immediately started tearing up. I think I looked like a retard but I couldn’t help it. It was a good feeling though, like something was going to help me.
The talk that the monsignor gave was mostly about not being selfish and about letting the little things go, not getting so irritable over tiny little things. Perfect talk for me.
Right now I’m not feeling as helpless but I still have a lot of work to make. I have to become more responsible and try to get my affairs in order before I become an official party of two. I really just want to make sure I’m being the best person I can be for almost husband. I want to feel like I’m doing a good job.
My dad is constantly reminding me how unorganized I am and where initially it does hurt to hear I realize he is right. I’m only partially responsible, I have a long way to go to become the wife and mother I want to be. It’s hard to digest but there it is.
I guess that’s really all I have to say about it for now, and sorry to vent here so much I just needed to get some of my thoughts out before the gnaw at me.
Oreos, Jordan.
Hmm. It’s cheesy, but I say be yourself and accept yourself, as is. You’re 25, and at this point you’re probably not going to change, too much. Stop focusing on what you “should be” and realize that your family, “almost husband” and friends love you just the way you are, even if you are disorganized You can’t spend all your time worried that you’re not going to be the perfect wife/mother because there’s no such thing, you do the best you can. Also, you’re 25! Slow down, don’t sweat the small stuff and enjoy life, take it day by day.
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